Saturday, December 12, 2015

My Biggest and Worst Critic

I have proven, time and again, that I am my biggest and worst critic.

There could be a crowd of people cheering me on and I would still be choking on my anxiety.
There could be 10 people simultaneously saying good things about me, supporting me, encouraging me; and I would still feel inadequate, downcast, distressed.
There could be a deafening barrage of applause and yet I would still be trapped in the deafening silence of my anxiety-stricken mind-- where there is no other sound but the echo of a probable failure.
You see, I am my biggest and worst critic.

I would rather have everyone tell me that they are disappointed in me, than hear praises from their mouths yet see only dissatisfaction in their eyes.
I would rather have cruel remarks thrown my way, than pretend to bask in the glory of acclaim even though I am really dying a little inside.
I would rather be ruthlessly criticized, than sulk from the self-inflicted torture of my own imaginations of failure and loss.
You see, I am my biggest and worst critic.

You will never see me shed a tear over tragic romance movies, but I will spend sleepless nights crying over a petty mistake like a mispronounced word, a semi-inappropriate gesture, or a relatively tolerable yet crappy syntax.
You will never feel my heart-wrenching anxiety attacks because I have mastered the art of projecting outward smiles; but in reality, I break down every after task, performance, quiz, and all other events in-between.
You will never hear me criticize another as loudly as I criticize myself in my mind.
You see, I am my biggest and worst critic.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Grateful and Hopeful

Hello, world!

Everything is good and wonderful again! And I'm happy again! Well, at least for now! Yehey!

While not everything went as planned for today, most of the tasks I had set for myself at the beginning of this day went pretty well! I'm just really thankful to my mom who gave me a much-needed pep talk last night, because she (my mom) and it (her pep talk) really opened my eyes to the stuff I need to prioritize as of now, and also really helped me cope with the stress that I had been inflicting on myself due to overthinking. And of course, my dear God, because I couldn't have done it -- faced challenges and made it through those obstacles -- without Him.


I have this jolly disposition right now, which I hope I could maintain and hopefully even nurture it to be part of my personality -- enthusiastically optimistic about life with all its blessing as well as challenges! I can only pray that God would bless me with enough courage, passion, determination, strength, and faith to make it through another sem, another chapter of life.

So, yeah...

Life for me is just so bright and sunny right now! I know there'll be gloomy situations along the way, but I like to believe that I now have a renewed strength through my faith in the Lord, in myself, and in the people around me especially my family (most especially my mommy!)!!! Yehey!

By the way, second semester starts tomorrow!
I am not yet officially enrolled!
I am getting myself together and I WILL get myself enrolled by Friday! Hopefully.

Oh well, that's it for now! Wish me luck and please pray for me!

Good night, world!
You aren't that bad after all! :)

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Okay. I'm quite hyped up this morning. I think it's because of the coffee. Still anxious though 'cause grades are still incomplete so... yeah I gotta hustle today to get myself enrolled! Or at least just enlisted. Meh.

Hopefully I won't cross paths with people that'll agitate me today. I do not need to be agitated today 'coz I just wanna maintain my composure and this relatively happy disposition I have now, throughout the day. Weee!

Bye now.
Wish me luck!
May the odds be ever in my favor! Bwahahaha

Bye again. For real this time.

(Oh, and good morning!)


I used to be the jolliest kid in the block. I was legit bubbly, running all over the place, kind of clumsy, BUT REALLY HAPPY. Extremely happy. It was the kind of happiness I think only children not older than 7 years old can truly have. I mean, over the years, I've had enjoyable times here and there; made fun memories one after the other, but it has been quite a long time since I felt genuine happiness. A looooooooong time! I can't fully explain what I mean by genuine happiness, though. That scares me. Does this mean I will never know of 'true' happiness ever again?

Maybe not.

I've just been really depressed the past few days.
I do not really have an outlet for my fears, my pain, my regrets, my anxiety.
And then I have trust issues. I just can't confide in others! Which sucks. Sometimes I just really wanna break down and cry already, but I just hold back everything.


This blog has been my only outlet for all of my bottled-up emotions.

I don't know...

Maybe I will never be as happy as I was when I was in kindergarten. Whatever. I may find little pockets of happiness along the way, but... Basta! Growing old sucks! I'm 18 now. So, yeah, I'm just another depressed teen desperately trying to find even just a ray of sunshine and a drop of happiness in this pain-in-the-ass, dark, cruel world!

What a sad life.

Anxiety Attack

Hello again, world!

Okay, so... My mother just gave me a pep talk to boost my morale after I poured my heart out to her as to how bad I think I did during the first semester. One thing I have always admired about my mom is that she can laugh about anything and remain to have fun (or at least try as best as she could to have fun) even in the worst of situations and in the bleakest of circumstances. I hope I could be even just half as strong as the person that she is -- beautiful even in the ugliest of times, graceful even in the most tumultuous of conditions.

The thing is, I really need the strength right now, and I am not referring to brute strength or the physical strength; but the strength of heart, soul, and mind. Now, more than ever, I need to gravitate my thoughts and energy on the positive; to look for and appreciate the silver lining in these tough times, in this gloomy chapter of life. I need the mental fortitude to accept the things that have been and to carry on for the sake of future endeavors. Now, more than ever, I need my mom. I know she's there for me, too; always have, always will be. I can just fervently hope that I may always keep her words in mind and translate those into actions.

For now, I will hold back the tears and silence the anxious voice inside my head (that always manages to creep into my late night thoughts, making me question everything). I will do my best to be strong, even if that strength would be just a front right now, and I will face every obstacle which may come my way. I have no other choice anyway... (well, except death. I could just kill myself but that would be so anti-climatic, actually. I still envision my life's climax to be the time when I become a lawyer whose virtues money cannot buy, and make my parents superdeedooper proud! And then I could die. Also, suicide would bring so much attention to my death. I'd be in the spotlight. And I hate the spotlight.)


Wish me luck!
And pray for me. Please pray for me.

Sem Break Rant

Hello, world!

So, sem break is about to come to a brutal close. By next week (or maybe later this week), I would be back in the dreadfully sleep-inducing walls of the classrooms, listening to pseudo-intellectuals masking as "professors" who tend to preach more than teach, and surrounded by coursemates who care more about their GPA than about the actual lectures and other whatnots which are practically spoon-fed to us by a faulty educational system. Also, with the second semester comes election season by February! Yey! Trapo-in-the-making student "leaders" will once again grace every corner at university, lobbying for our precious votes to propel them to the top of student politics hierarchy, with the promise that they'd "change the system" but end up making it even more corrupt than it had ever been.


I am still waiting for my final grades to get posted on the academic database, so obviously, I haven't gotten myself enrolled yet for the second semester. Ohhhh so much inefficiency in the current enrollment system, I can't even...

First of all, the deadline for the teachers' submission of our final grades is today, which is also the last day of the regular enrollment period. So yeah, that's pretty messed up 'cause the teachers may opt to submit the grades by 11:59 PM tonight, but by that time, we may not get enrolled anymore 'cause the administrative offices are open until 5 PM only (duh!). Next, the academic portal was down the whole day, so we couldn't even access our grades or university account. Whatever, that was a bust! Lastly, and slightly unrelated to the enrollment topic but still a relevant issue (very relevant, actually), is the lobbying for better grades by my overly-ambitious-but-who-only-actually-sleep-in-class-and-rant-on-Facebook classmates! I shall write another blog post regarding that, next time, when I've managed to compose my thoughts because right now I think I might have too much angst as regards that particular issue. Heh. (Is there such thing as "too much angst" though?)


I'll bawl my eyes out again just refreshing the academic portal until I fall asleep or until I just get too fed up with the inefficiency and downright fuckery of this enrollment system as well as my unaccomplished sem break bucket list.

So, yeah, that's it. I might need more frequent blogging therapy this incoming semester because by the looks of the curriculum offering, second sem is gonna be such a pain in the ass! Or... I might as well just bury myself in books and drown my sadness, angst and all other hormonal whatnots by studying and pulling all-nighters! Yey!

Good night, cruel world!
(With all your hypocrisy, drudgery, and cruelty; I love you still.)

Sunday, February 22, 2015

It's Been About A Year Now

It's a Sunday night and I just realized that it's been about a year now since I made a blog post. The last one I made was Sunday last year (February 23, 2014). Oh well...

Quick update on my life: I have been quite stressed out because of college. Over the past year, I have had my share of ups and downs in my so-called college life and just life in general. I will not recount my struggles and successes one by one though.

That said, I don't even know how exactly I got through the past year without going completely bonkers. I'm just thankful that I had good friends and a great family with me along the way. They kept me strong when my weakest link was about to break, and they reminded me that life is so much beautiful in spite of all its challenges and shitty antics.

I think overall, it's just about loving yourself more than the worldly things, appreciating the awesome people who love you instead of losing sleep over judgmental ingrates, and just hoping for better days ahead instead of dwelling on past mistakes. Also, I thank all the cups of coffee that gave me the "artificial" energy to power through life, and wine that buzzed me to sleep.

Oh well, that's it for now. Good night!