tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42259226969010929402024-03-14T02:43:12.500-07:00Beyond BoundariesAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13502726814989481221noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4225922696901092940.post-78277241859984413112015-12-12T00:33:00.002-08:002015-12-12T00:35:21.587-08:00My Biggest and Worst CriticI have proven, time and again, that I am my biggest and worst critic.<br />
<br />
There could be a crowd of people cheering me on and I would still be choking on my anxiety.<br />
There could be 10 people simultaneously saying good things about me, supporting me, encouraging me; and I would still feel inadequate, downcast, distressed.<br />
There could be a deafening barrage of applause and yet I would still be trapped in the deafening silence of my anxiety-stricken mind-- where there is no other sound but the echo of a probable failure.<br />
You see, I am my biggest and worst critic.<br />
<br />
I would rather have everyone tell me that they are disappointed in me, than hear praises from their mouths yet see only dissatisfaction in their eyes.<br />
I would rather have cruel remarks thrown my way, than pretend to bask in the glory of acclaim even though I am really dying a little inside.<br />
I would rather be ruthlessly criticized, than sulk from the self-inflicted torture of my own imaginations of failure and loss.<br />
You see, I am my biggest and worst critic.<br />
<br />
You will never see me shed a tear over tragic romance movies, but I will spend sleepless nights crying over a petty mistake like a mispronounced word, a semi-inappropriate gesture, or a relatively tolerable yet crappy syntax.<br />
You will never feel my heart-wrenching anxiety attacks because I have mastered the art of projecting outward smiles; but in reality, I break down every after task, performance, quiz, and all other events in-between.<br />
You will never hear me criticize another as loudly as I criticize myself in my mind.<br />
You see, I am my biggest and worst critic.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13502726814989481221noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4225922696901092940.post-53728021934733967882015-11-04T06:32:00.001-08:002015-11-04T06:53:49.184-08:00Grateful and HopefulHello, world!<br />
<br />
Everything is good and wonderful again! And I'm happy again! Well, at least for now! Yehey!<br />
<br />
While not everything went as planned for today, most of the tasks I had set for myself at the beginning of this day went pretty well! I'm just really thankful to my mom who gave me a much-needed pep talk last night, because she (my mom) and it (her pep talk) really opened my eyes to the stuff I need to prioritize as of now, and also really helped me cope with the stress that I had been inflicting on myself due to overthinking. And of course, my dear God, because I couldn't have done it -- faced challenges and made it through those obstacles -- without Him.<br />
<br />
Anyway...<br />
<br />
I have this jolly disposition right now, which I hope I could maintain and hopefully even nurture it to be part of my personality -- enthusiastically optimistic about life with all its blessing as well as challenges! I can only pray that God would bless me with enough courage, passion, determination, strength, and faith to make it through another sem, another chapter of life.<br />
<br />
So, yeah...<br />
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Life for me is just so bright and sunny right now! I know there'll be gloomy situations along the way, but I like to believe that I now have a renewed strength through my faith in the Lord, in myself, and in the people around me especially my family (most especially my mommy!)!!! Yehey!<br />
<br />
By the way, second semester starts tomorrow!<br />
And...<br />
I am not yet officially enrolled!<br />
But...<br />
I am getting myself together and I WILL get myself enrolled by Friday! Hopefully.<br />
<br />
Oh well, that's it for now! Wish me luck and please pray for me!<br />
<br />
Good night, world!<br />
You aren't that bad after all! :)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13502726814989481221noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4225922696901092940.post-29450817194312821502015-11-03T16:55:00.001-08:002015-11-03T16:58:05.032-08:00Okay. I'm quite hyped up this morning. I think it's because of the coffee. Still anxious though 'cause grades are still incomplete so... yeah I gotta hustle today to get myself enrolled! Or at least just enlisted. Meh.<br />
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Hopefully I won't cross paths with people that'll agitate me today. I do not need to be agitated today 'coz I just wanna maintain my composure and this relatively happy disposition I have now, throughout the day. Weee!</div>
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Bye now.</div>
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Wish me luck!</div>
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May the odds be ever in my favor! Bwahahaha</div>
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Okay.</div>
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Bye again. For real this time.</div>
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BYE!</div>
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(Oh, and good morning!)</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13502726814989481221noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4225922696901092940.post-69048816434274992382015-11-03T05:40:00.002-08:002015-11-03T05:42:43.655-08:00SadI used to be the jolliest kid in the block. I was legit bubbly, running all over the place, kind of clumsy, BUT REALLY HAPPY. Extremely happy. It was the kind of happiness I think only children not older than 7 years old can truly have. I mean, over the years, I've had enjoyable times here and there; made fun memories one after the other, but it has been quite a long time since I felt genuine happiness. A looooooooong time! I can't fully explain what I mean by genuine happiness, though. That scares me. Does this mean I will never know of 'true' happiness ever again?<br />
<br />
Maybe not.<br />
<br />
I've just been really depressed the past few days.<br />
I do not really have an outlet for my fears, my pain, my regrets, my anxiety.<br />
And then I have trust issues. I just can't confide in others! Which sucks. Sometimes I just really wanna break down and cry already, but I just hold back everything.<br />
<br />
Anyway...<br />
<br />
This blog has been my only outlet for all of my bottled-up emotions.<br />
<br />
Okay...<br />
So...<br />
I don't know...<br />
<br />
Maybe I will never be as happy as I was when I was in kindergarten. Whatever. I may find little pockets of happiness along the way, but... Basta! Growing old sucks! I'm 18 now. So, yeah, I'm just another depressed teen desperately trying to find even just a ray of sunshine and a drop of happiness in this pain-in-the-ass, dark, cruel world!<br />
<br />
Sad.<br />
What a sad life.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13502726814989481221noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4225922696901092940.post-59965561438002614352015-11-03T04:54:00.002-08:002015-11-03T04:57:21.061-08:00Anxiety AttackHello again, world!<br />
<br />
Okay, so... My mother just gave me a pep talk to boost my morale after I poured my heart out to her as to how bad I think I did during the first semester. One thing I have always admired about my mom is that she can laugh about anything and remain to have fun (or at least try as best as she could to have fun) even in the worst of situations and in the bleakest of circumstances. I hope I could be even just half as strong as the person that she is -- beautiful even in the ugliest of times, graceful even in the most tumultuous of conditions.<br />
<br />
The thing is, I really need the strength right now, and I am not referring to brute strength or the physical strength; but the strength of heart, soul, and mind. Now, more than ever, I need to gravitate my thoughts and energy on the positive; to look for and appreciate the silver lining in these tough times, in this gloomy chapter of life. I need the mental fortitude to accept the things that have been and to carry on for the sake of future endeavors. Now, more than ever, I need my mom. I know she's there for me, too; always have, always will be. I can just fervently hope that I may always keep her words in mind and translate those into actions.<br />
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For now, I will hold back the tears and silence the anxious voice inside my head (that always manages to creep into my late night thoughts, making me question everything). I will do my best to be strong, even if that strength would be just a front right now, and I will face every obstacle which may come my way. I have no other choice anyway... (well, except death. I could just kill myself but that would be so anti-climatic, actually. I still envision my life's climax to be the time when I become a lawyer whose virtues money cannot buy, and make my parents superdeedooper proud! And then I could die. Also, suicide would bring so much attention to my death. I'd be in the spotlight. And I hate the spotlight.)<br />
<br />
Anyway...<br />
<br />
Wish me luck!<br />
And pray for me. Please pray for me.<br />
Bye!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13502726814989481221noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4225922696901092940.post-32125034513722806902015-11-03T02:03:00.003-08:002015-11-03T02:05:17.801-08:00Sem Break RantHello, world!<br />
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So, sem break is about to come to a brutal close. By next week (or maybe later this week), I would be back in the dreadfully sleep-inducing walls of the classrooms, listening to pseudo-intellectuals masking as "professors" who tend to preach more than teach, and surrounded by coursemates who care more about their GPA than about the actual lectures and other whatnots which are practically spoon-fed to us by a faulty educational system. Also, with the second semester comes election season by February! Yey! Trapo-in-the-making student "leaders" will once again grace every corner at university, lobbying for our precious votes to propel them to the top of student politics hierarchy, with the promise that they'd "change the system" but end up making it even more corrupt than it had ever been.<br />
<br />
Anyway...<br />
<br />
I am still waiting for my final grades to get posted on the academic database, so obviously, I haven't gotten myself enrolled yet for the second semester. Ohhhh so much inefficiency in the current enrollment system, I can't even...<br />
<br />
First of all, the deadline for the teachers' submission of our final grades is today, which is also the last day of the regular enrollment period. So yeah, that's pretty messed up 'cause the teachers may opt to submit the grades by 11:59 PM tonight, but by that time, we may not get enrolled anymore 'cause the administrative offices are open until 5 PM only (duh!). Next, the academic portal was down the whole day, so we couldn't even access our grades or university account. Whatever, that was a bust! Lastly, and slightly unrelated to the enrollment topic but still a relevant issue (very relevant, actually), is the lobbying for better grades by my overly-ambitious-but-who-only-actually-sleep-in-class-and-rant-on-Facebook classmates! I shall write another blog post regarding that, next time, when I've managed to compose my thoughts because right now I think I might have too much angst as regards that particular issue. Heh. (Is there such thing as "too much angst" though?)<br />
<br />
Anyway...<br />
<br />
I'll bawl my eyes out again just refreshing the academic portal until I fall asleep or until I just get too fed up with the inefficiency and downright fuckery of this enrollment system as well as my unaccomplished sem break bucket list.<br />
<br />
So, yeah, that's it. I might need more frequent blogging therapy this incoming semester because by the looks of the curriculum offering, second sem is gonna be such a pain in the ass! Or... I might as well just bury myself in books and drown my sadness, angst and all other hormonal whatnots by studying and pulling all-nighters! Yey!<br />
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Good night, cruel world!<br />
(With all your hypocrisy, drudgery, and cruelty; I love you still.)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13502726814989481221noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4225922696901092940.post-65016776232298246802015-02-22T06:06:00.002-08:002015-11-03T02:07:35.124-08:00It's Been About A Year NowIt's a Sunday night and I just realized that it's been about a year now since I made a blog post. The last one I made was Sunday last year (February 23, 2014). Oh well...<br />
<br />
Quick update on my life: I have been quite stressed out because of college. Over the past year, I have had my share of ups and downs in my so-called college life and just life in general. I will not recount my struggles and successes one by one though.<br />
<br />
That said, I don't even know how exactly I got through the past year without going completely bonkers. I'm just thankful that I had good friends and a great family with me along the way. They kept me strong when my weakest link was about to break, and they reminded me that life is so much beautiful in spite of all its challenges and shitty antics.<br />
<br />
I think overall, it's just about loving yourself more than the worldly things, appreciating the awesome people who love you instead of losing sleep over judgmental ingrates, and just hoping for better days ahead instead of dwelling on past mistakes. Also, I thank all the cups of coffee that gave me the "artificial" energy to power through life, and wine that buzzed me to sleep.<br />
<br />
Oh well, that's it for now. Good night!<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13502726814989481221noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4225922696901092940.post-5470832091452336632014-02-23T08:28:00.001-08:002014-02-24T04:51:55.665-08:00So High SchoolI was in the middle of doing an Accounting homework when I scrolled down my Twitter timeline. I was just intending to check if I had any unread "mentions" but then I stumbled upon AdI Seniors being sentimental about their last day (ever) of regular classes tomorrow. It was around this time last year when we (The Nexus) were doing all our comical <i>trippings</i> in the campus- we drew fake moles on our faces, we wore obnoxiously huge earrings, the boys wore girly headbands. And, on the very last day of regular classes, we brought trolleys to school instead of regular backpacks as we had to clear our lockers. Then, it hit me.<br />
<br />
It hit me that around this time last year (2013), I was one of those Seniors feeling anxious because the (bitchy) reality that high school is coming to an end was finally dwelling upon us.<br />
<br />
It hit me that it has been 11 months since I last listened to Goddess Arianne Lao's steamy discussions about mythology's greatest. It hit me that it has been 11 months since Herman Lagon gave his usual <i>"Never waste time and space"</i> and <i>"Indi kamo mag minango"</i> mini speeches in between lectures about velocity, speed, acceleration, stress, gravitational pull, and other Physical Science what-nots. It hit me that it has been 11 months since I last contemplated on the complexity of Math equations during Math A and Math B classes. It hit me that it has been 11 months since I last teared up upon hearing Mike Guevara's quotable motivational speeches and words of wisdom to the whole Nexus family just before every major school event. It hit me that it has been 11 months since the fabulous Lally Jane Calagunay asked me<i> "Jennifer, why are you late again?"</i> and made chika about El Filibusterismo while being a part of the whole class' inside jokes. It hit me that it has been 11 months since I last had a random "fashion, literature, and arts talk" with Sir Anthony along the Blue and White hallways (more like Cream and Chocolate Brown with Countless Railings hallways, actually) of the Ateneo. It hit me that it has been 11 months since I last sat wide-eyed as the ever-philosophical RM Tamayo did his thing on the classroom platform, drawing bathtubs and faucets on the blackboard to illustrate economic flows, making Economics a relatively enjoyable subject. It hit me that it has been 11 months since I last absorbed Primo's holistic theological lectures.<br />
<br />
Of course, it also hit me that it has been 11 months since the Nexus last thrived together-all 45 of us- inside our safe haven, the Justice classroom. Ah yes, THE Nexus. Well, I'm gonna have to make another blog post entirely dedicated to my Nexus memories but for now... I am reminiscing all the "Cornetto moments" we had after lunch, all the cramming we did for homework and 200-item quizzes, all the tricyle rides we took to SM, all the marathons we did just to find computer shops (with a printer that had ink) when we had to rush the printing of a forgotten project. Then, there was that one time when we skipped CAT class and instead stayed inside the 4th floor restrooms just to finish our Science Investigatory Projects in Physics. We felt like such badasses that time hahahaha! Oh, of course, THAT moment when Sir H finally signed the approval sheet for our SIP- I've never felt so fulfilled just because of a signature.<br />
<br />
<b>It hit me that it has been 11 months since I left high school. I suppose. </b><br />
<br />
But, does one ever really "leave" high school?<br />
Does one ever really get over the magic of Prom night?<br />
Does one ever really stop hearing the echoes of their verse choir?<br />
Does one ever really forget the jeers and yells of the whole class during a basketball game?<br />
Does one ever really not feel anymore the adrenaline rush that once ignited a jaw-dropping stunt during a cheer dance competition? <br />
Does one ever really unlearn the life lessons imbibed by mentors and teachers in the institution?<br />
Does one ever really "leave" high school? NO.<br />
I may have left the Ateneo campus which I've called home for 3/4 of my lifetime, but never have I left behind, nor shall I ever leave behind the memories of high school- both bitter and sweet ones. Take me back to the Ateneo campus any day and I swear, I can go on for hours vividly storytelling to you each and every eventful moment I've had (or simply witnessed) on all of the corners of the Blue and White halls from General Blanco to San Rafael, Mandurriao.<br />
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After classroom lockers have been cleared, after high school textbooks have been shelved, after high school uniforms have been hung in the closet, all that's really left are the memories- 4 years of memories trailing behind me as I go on each day trying to get over high school... which will never ever probably happen.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13502726814989481221noreply@blogger.com2